a final goodbye to the teens

Yes people, it's my last day as a teenager and it's quite scary to be honest! The symbolic value of turning twenty is huge to me right now: scared, proud, expectant, regretful, glad and fragile. (I can't remember last time I felt small and fragile.....)

Tomorrow morning my family's coming at 7:15am to drink hot chocolate and eat a nice breakfast - like we've always done. [samhørighed] I don't really expect much from my birthday as it's never been a huge deal to us and as always, I know some of what my parents are getting me already.. I like predictability to an extent. It's secure, safe. hmm..

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I've started to shun beauty: sunsets, forests and the like. It's because these beautiful scenes remind me that I'm part of a great love story, but I've felt it so many times and let myself down an equal number of times. One could say that I've broken my own heart by disappointing myself so now I flee the memory, the heartache. 'Cos that's what beauty 'provokes' in me: a heart-sigh to go with God's heart-sigh.

I have a constant nagging feeling of guilt because I ought to be much more than I am: I ought to be a 'safety' for those who are insecure, a father to those who need a father, one who saves the world around him - I ought to be a hero but I'm not.. it's tough being a guy.

I know, I know: there's no condemnation and in Christ I can do anything, and I do believe it. I do believe it..


I pass a landmark, I pass a checkpoint
confirming my stridings so far
It's a time to re-assess and re-address
to re-define and re-align
my life and direction
my purpose and intention
and gather my heart back up.
It's time to decide what a man
I will be for the rest of my time.

old hopeful things

I was at my parent's place the other day. Not too long ago they bought a house that's something like 130 years old. It's a small 2-storey house just across the street from another house we've lived in. Point is that my dad's fixing it up upstairs and he finds these old newspapers. The latest produce from the floorboard underworld is a rather intact local newspaper from May 31. 1931. It's funny to read the Hitler-neutral articles that stand in stark contrast to the history books we read.

Tonight I'm partly sad. Sad because my greatest fear is to be rejected and I feel mildly rejected. [sigh] I just take these things waaay to personal. Plus I long for more than is to be mine. 9th and 10th commandments, right? Vs. the Law of Love. I choose #2. I'm rambling. It's 1am and I slept 4 hours last night. I'm tired. Melancholic. But God's the same and that actually really helps. I've always had hope. Things will always look up again. It'll be alright some day if you have your heart set on it. Really.

"A right heart need not be discouraged for it can rest knowing that it's tragic end will be replaced by a beautiful morning. There's always another morning for a right heart. As long as there is time, there is hope."

My Upcoming B-day!! [yay]

Yup peoples! My 2oth birthday's coming up (30sep) so here's my wish list. Send all prezzies to:

Ivan Saaby Nielsen
Århusvej 24D st.th.
8900 Randers
Denmark

Wishes:
(New) King James Bible with a cover of naturally colored leather. Preferable no more that 20cm high or so.

Hugo Boss perfume - the round SILVER one (NOT the blue). As much as you can afford.

A nice shirt maybe some pants

Shinpads (really good ones) for soccer

Digital dictaphone with USB port and at least 128MB space

New Nokia mobile phone

New Acoustic Guitar: Norman ST-40 with Fishman pick-up, thank you very much!

I really gotta sleep..... more will probably follow. =)

loving

I'm good at people. -when I'm free, that is! I really, really do like people I meet but how does one contain such ardor? I express my appreciation of someone, that someone expects a new flaming relationship (romantic or not) which I cannot 'deliver'.

Now is that a problem with me or with the low love-standard of our society? Should people be more used to being told that they really are appreciated or should I just start being less caring? Cos people are getting hurt when they are let down. I hurt people all the time it seems and it's frustrating because I'm clinched between being myself and being cold.

[sigh]

spiritual revolutions

Who was it that said that throughout one's relationship with God one undergoes several spiritual revolutions? Some author, can't remember, but I do find it true. Less than a week ago I heard a good local preacher speak about... uhh... well, I guess he just spoke about a lot of the common misconceptions we have about what it means to [cliché:] 'walk with the Lord.'

One thing that was renewed to my understanding was the basic element of love in my perception of my Father in heaven. I recognise that the love in my heart to God has gone cold because my life has turned to be about pleasing myself. All this is really basic to all those of us who've grown up within church walls. To me it's a big issue though!

Just a couple of days I was sitting in my car with one of my two best friends talking about our friendship from every conceivable angle. Why, what and when it was: our friendship. Our motives etc. Whenever we talk we usually end up in a rather melancholic mood, but this time it was worse. When I think back over my life I am shocked to find out that I haven't really retained my friendship with any of my childhood friends. The main reason that we are still friends is because we attend the same church. The point is that I've always been a really lame friend. I.. I didn't really know what it was until it occured to me that day in the car: my life is about me. I have friends to keep my sanguine fear of rejection at bay (my biggest fear: rejection). I don't serve them. They serve me. I invest my time and energy in them for immediate emotional gain. I kid you not!

This, of course, is reflected in my relationship with God. I serve Him only for my own sake. No, I haven't crucified my flesh and taken up my cross. Aye, I just wanna be really good friends with the Spirit, because I recognise that He deserves it. -because I love Him.

Yet there is still hope:

"As long as there is time there is hope."

standard fill #1

My goodness, did I really leave for 10 days with such a violent post?! I'm still alive though.. -I wish I could say 'alive and well' but I'm not really well. Scraping by I must admit!

I have this thing about evolution nowadays though! Here's an excellent article entitled "Challenging Darwinian Fundamentalism - Intellectuals Who Find Darwinism Unconvincing"
Read it! I give the Theory of Evolution 10 years...

Homework.. essays.. music assignments.. life? hmm..

_ivan